Final Fantasy Online
by Cairi J
Summary: Set during AC. The internet can make or break lives - something Cloud promptly discovers when he gets an instant messaging system. Warning: Extreme silliness ahead. Rated for some inevitable potty mouth from certain characters and demented imagery. Enjoy?
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:** I would be incredibly happy if I owned Final Fantasy. Unfortunately, I don't. _

_Oh yeah, and don't expect a shred of reason, plot orsanity, because as usual, you ain't gettin' any this time. Hah!_

_**Final Fantasy Online**_

It all began on a seemingly normal Sunday morning.

Cloud had got up at 10 am; feeling glad not to be at work and getting mobbed by angry customers or rabid fan-girls. He felt relieved to be able to relax at last, and not chasing after worryingly insane potentially-lethal silver-haired men. (Well, not until Monday, at least.) Being careful not to wake Tifa, who was sleeping soundly in the neighbouring room, Cloud went downstairs. He flicked on the radio – changing the station several times to rid himself of that pop music that sounded about as good as Cid's singing voice after a night at the bar – and looked around the room to find something to do.

Cloud's eyes then found the new computer he had set up late last night. The monitor and keyboard were neatly laid out on the desk, untouched. The hard drive was safely inside the PC tower, full of disk space and not yet clogged-up by unwelcome viruses and dodgy downloads. Every computer-obsessed geek's delight.

Cloud - thinking this would be an ideal time to sit and muck up the system with a whole array of completely unnecessary personal settings - smiled and sat down at the desk, switching on the computer. It started up with a highly unwelcoming whirr.

Man, this thing was noisy.

"Cloud!" came Tifa's weary yet notably loud voice from upstairs. "Turn off that blender!"

Cloud frowned. "Huh?"

"You heard me!" she groused. "Turn off the damn blender!"

Cloud bit his lip. "Blender? This is the new computer."

Tifa replied with a terse swearword, and nothing further was said on the subject.

Cloud looked irritably at the front of the empty cardboard box under the desk. The words were there in bold black lettering: **Now even quieter than before!**

Cloud snorted. _Then the old ones must have sounded like a whole army of defective blenders, _he thought; logging in and abruptly changing his diminutive little personal icon to the optional one of the grinning yellow rubber duck. The first thing that came to Cloud's mind was a nice long internet-surfing session, topped with plenty of downloads and an extra helping of slightly illegal mp3 tracks.

After a few minutes of searching, Cloud found various sites containing numerous downloads. With that done, Cloud simply sat back and waited for his music player to load. In doing so, he came across a small advertisement at the top right corner of the screen: **FF MESSENGER.** **It's the messenger everybody is using! Socialise! Meet new people! (Or if you already know them, you get to meet them again!) It's your portal to a whole new method of quick, easy communication! Get _FF Messenger _now – absolutely free!**

Before Cloud knew it, Tifa was standing behind him in her pink bathrobe, gazing at the screen.

"Ooh, I've got an account on that!" she said cheerfully. "Why don't you set one up for yourself?"

Cloud raised a sceptical brow. "I'm presuming there's a catch here."

"Not as far as I know." replied Tifa. "It's worked great for me so far. Go on – it's just a bit of fun!"

Thinking resolutely that there wasn't exactly anything to lose, Cloud agreed and downloaded the messenger. While they waited, he turned back to Tifa.

"So what's your username on this thing, then?"

Tifa smiled. "You'll never be able to guess it."

Cloud folded his arms. "Bet I can."

"Naaah, you'll never get it."

"Try me."

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Go on then."

"_BiggerBoobsThanYou66?_" said Cloud with a grin.

Tifa quickly drew herself up and gasped. "Cloud!"

"Okay, okay…" he mumbled. "_NoSiliconeForMe78?_"

He then received an abrupt whack on the arm.

"Ouch! That was uncalled for!"

"It was perfectly called for." Tifa retorted, folding her arms defiantly.

"Fine, then you can tell me your username." said Cloud.

Tifa sighed. "You'll find out once you log in. Oh, and your download's finished. I'm going for a shower now."

"Sweet! Can I come?"

Tifa made a noise that resembled a furious animal and exited the room mumbling under her breath, leaving Cloud laughing mischievously to himself. He opened up his newly-downloaded messaging system; creating a profile for himself (Username _CloudStrife _to make it easy for people to recognize him) and logging in.

Heck, when they said everybody was using this messenger, they meant it… Dozens and dozens of usernames began to list themselves before Cloud's eyes, and soon enough, he couldn't even straightforwardly find the ones he might recognize as some of his friends. But he soon found he needn't have done; for he was then immediately greeted with messages that all appeared in a single window. The record of the conversation was as follows:

**KleptoNinja07**

_Cloud! bt tm u gt ds msngr! _

Cloud squinted at the screen.

**CloudStrife**

_Huh?_

**Tif99**

_Yuffie, what did we tell you about over-using text talk?_

**CloudStrife**

_Ahhh, so THAT'S your username! _

**Tif99**

_Yah, and don't even think about repeating the ones you guessed earlier, buster._

**CloudStrife**

_You know I'd never be that cruel! Mwahahaha._

**Tif99**

_V. funny._

_- User "BestPilotEver" has just signed in._

**BestPilotEver**

_Ahoy, Cloud! Nice to see ya!_

**CloudStrife**

_Hello, Cid. And technically, you can't actually see me._

**BestPilotEver**

_Shattup. I knew that._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Better watch out guys, ya nvr know who's gnna sign in on a Sunday _

**CloudStrife**

_Oh, great. What's that supposed to mean?_

**VValentine**

_Oh, good morning Cloud. Well, it means that this isn't the only Final Fantasy chronicle that'll be contributing to today's conversation._

**CloudStrife**

_No way! You mean we'll get –_

**BestPilotEver**

_Bloody load of wankers, that's what we'll get! Had that kinky bastard Kuja flaming me the other day for no apparent reason_

**Tif99**

_Hah, wasn't nearly as bad as that day when me and Barret got lectured until two in the morning by Auron. _

**GunArm82**

_THAT was somethin I'd rather forget, man._

_- User "SummonerGirlX" has just signed in. -_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Hey, who's dissin' us?_

**Tif99**

_Weren't dissin' you, Yuna. But you gotta admit Auron does go on a lil bit sometimes_

**SummonerGirlX**

_You got a point there._

**CloudStrife**

_Man, this is weird._

**KleptoNinja07**

'_Tis an everyday thing on this mssngr, hun_

**VValentine**

_You know, you people have got an allow list. _

**GunArm82**

_Yeah, have you forgotten already? When people piss you off, just block em!_

**BestPilotEver**

_I knew that._

**Tif99**

_Mine's not working! Oh crap, I'm stuck with Auron!_

_- User "Hojo" has just signed in. -_

**Hojo**

_How sweet. Everyone's found out how to work a computer!_

**VValentine**

_I think I'll sign off now._

**GunArm82**

_Aw, stay online, Vince! This head-case ain't got the balls to bother ya!_

**Hojo**

_Cretin. _

**CloudStrife**

_Yeah, just act like he isn't here._

**VValentine**

_Hmmm._

_- User "SHBrother#1" has just signed in – _

_- User "Yaz00" has just signed in –_

**CloudStrife**

_Oh, NO WAY!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Thought you had me defeated, huh Strife? Think again! Mwahahaha!_

**Yaz00**

_Quit bragging, Kadaj. It's getting boring as hell._

_- User "DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains" has just signed in. -_

**CloudStrife**

_...WTF!_

**DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains**

_Who hacked into my account?_

**SHBrother#1**

_Oh, good morning… Loz. Snigger_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Uuuhhh… what's the deal with the username?_

**SHBrother#1**

_He's finally decided to show us all what he really is!_

**DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains**

_You mean YOU have, Kadaj._

**SHBrother#1**

_Well done, my most treasured sibling! Isn't hacking fun?_

**DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains**

_Yah, real mature, lil bro. Thanks to you, I gotta go change my whole profile again._

**SHBrother#1**

_Oh, what a shame! Such a waste of energy!_

**GunArm82**

_Are we gonna have to put up with these guys bickering at each other all mornin?_

**VValentine**

_Not unless we all petition to block them._

_User "Masamune701" has just signed in._

**Tif99**

_CRAP! It's him!_

**Masamune701**

_Morning, inferiors! Ignore my pathetic clones. Ahh, Cloud… We meet again. I daresay I now have another method of proclaiming my supremacy and utmost hatred towards you! Did I tell you I hate you? _

**CloudStrife**

_You might have mentioned it._

**Yaz00**

_I love how you treat us like complete twonks, Sephiroth._

**Masamune701**

_Greetings, pathetic clone! What a coincidence… I love how I treat you like complete twonks too!_

**CloudStrife**

_So where are all these other people you guys were telling me about?_

**VValentine**

_They're in a different time zone. They'll probably be online later._

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, when they've all got their asses outta bed._

**CloudStrife**

_Right, so why is Yuna on here just now?_

**SummonerGirlX**

_I got up early. Tidus was snoring._

**BestPilotEver**

_Charming._

_- User "WorkSucksRenoRules" has just signed in. -_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Hey, we got newbies?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Just 1 today, dude._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Still, it's Cloudy boy! Long time no message, yo!_

**CloudStrife**

_Nice to hear from you too, Reno._

**Hojo**

_So Valentine, still here? _

**VValentine**

_I could have asked the same of you._

**Hojo**

_How's the arm? Hasn't got rusty, has it? Heh heh heh…_

**Tif99**

_Leave him alone, psycho._

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, you're getting up my nose already._

**Hojo**

_Oh, it's you. Never liked you much._

**BestPilotEver**

_Could say fucking likewise._

**Masamune701**

_Mmm. So who's going to say something worthwhile?_

**VValentine**

_I shall sign off for the time being._

**GunArm82**

_Aw, okay man. Come back online later, right?_

**VValentine**

_I may do. Until then, try and be civilised._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Can't guarantee that. See ya later, Vinnie xxx_

**CloudStrife**

_Yeah, catch you soon. _

_User "VValentine" has now signed off. –_

**CloudStrife**

_Uh… Yuffie?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Yah?_

**CloudStrife**

_Explain the little 'x's? grins_

**Tif99**

_She does that when most people sign off._

**CloudStrife**

_Oh right. Cos I thought she might have a thing for "Vinnie," you see. ;-)_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Do not!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Well isn't this fascinating._

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_Hah, now you shall never change my username again, Kadaj!_

**SHBrother#1**

_LMAO! Now THAT'S a smart name change!_

**Masamune701**

_I feel almost ashamed to be in the same DNA category as these boys._

**Hojo**

_You have me to thank for that._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Hojo, you scummy jerk. Go away._

**Hojo**

_I was just getting started, little girl._

**CloudStrife**

_Fantastic._

**Masamune701**

_I dislike Hojo. He always smells like insecticide. Which I can smell from the next room, by the way._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_No kidding, dude. What's the deal with that, anyways? Why do crazy-ass scientists always smell like bug spray?_

**Hojo**

_At least I don't look like a carrot with a genetic disorder._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Screw you, probe addict!_

**BestPiotEver**

_Soooo, what's everyone doing, besides typing?_

**Yaz00**

_Uh… not much you really CAN do when you're concentrating on typing._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Unless you can multitask._

**Tif99**

_Like us ladies. ;-)_

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah alright, don't gloat._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_That's another good point, yo. Here's a question for Professor Bug-Spray here – why is it that chicks can totally do loadsa things at once and dudes totally can't listen to someone shouting in their ear when they're watching TV?_

**Hojo**

_Because slum-drunks like you can't really DO much besides watch TV._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_You gonna wish you hadn't said that._

**CloudStrife**

_Soooo, It's 11 am and there's still no sign of those "other" people._

_User "KujaTheSuperior45" has just signed in. -_

**BestPilotEver**

…_Shit._

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, sorry for the late update. Here we are again, with the continuation of chaotic FF chatroom mishaps. Oh and by the way, this story has no regard for the fact that some of the characters may in fact be dead. As I said, this whole thing makes no sense whatsoever. ;-)

Oh, and I don't own Final Fantasy. Like, how many times have you come across that same line now?

Read on if you dare.

* * *

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Good morning! No need for applause, we all know I'm fabulous anyway. Oh, do we have new people?_

**Masamune701**

_Yes, it's dear Cloud Strife._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Ahh, I see – You mean the boy with the chocobo on his head?_

**CloudStrife**

_Watch it, smart-ass._

**SHBrother#1**

_Yes Kuja, that's him. Your average blonde-haired blue-eyed hero, but with a sword so ridiculously big it looks like he's trying to compensate for something smaller. _

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_ROFL! Good one bro_

**Masamune701**

_LMAO! For once, my pathetic clones have something intelligent to say!_

**BestPilotEver**

_I dunno why you're laughing, Seph. It's not as if YOUR sword is anything vaguely regular to look at._

**Tif99**

_Yeah, how the hell do you handle a sword like that?_

**CloudStrife**

_Hmmm. Maybe Sephiroth is the one with the "compensation" issue. ;-)_

**Masamune**

_Oh shut up, insect. We all know you're the wannabe here._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Man, all that sexual innuendo is starting to freak me out._

**Hojo**

_Oh dear, are you not well-informed enough? Spent too much time drunk in the gutters of Midgar?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_You've officially earned yourself a bullet with your name on, pal._

**Hojo**

_I'm positively quivering at the mere thought._

**SummonerGirlX**

_You leave Reno alone, Hojo! Go repel some bugs._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Alright, let's stop. After all, we all know I'm the best._

**BestPilotEver**

_Aww, gimme a break._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_I don't feel like it. So I'll say this without remorse, smelly pilot: You have the mental capacity of a retarded hamster. Any questions?_

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, why do you always look like a kinky transvestite?_

**GunArm82**

_I can see this goin' a LONG way._

**Tif99**

_Yeah. Cover your eyes, Yuffie. This could get nasty._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Awww, man!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_You know I wouldn't stoop to such low a level as cursing._

**BestPilotEver**

_Oooh no, 'tis AWFULLY improper for his majesty to say such naughty, naughty words…_

**CloudStrife**

_You know, we could end up blocking you guys if you don't cool it._

**BestPilotEver**

_Aw, come on Cloud! I'm your buddy!_

**CloudStrife**

_I know, Cid, but you also… swear a lot._

**BestPilotEver**

_True._

_- User "VValentine has just signed in. - _

**KleptoNinja07**

_Hey, Vinnie's back!_

**VValentine**

_So it would seem._

**CloudStrife**

_Hey Vincent! Here's the latest: Kuja and Cid are having a major slag-off match._

**VValentine**

_Oh. Well, I would register my surprise, but I really can't._

**Tif99**

_Me neither._

**Yaz00**

_By the way, since when did Kuja call anyone smelly?_

**BestPilotEver**

_You ain't seen the frickin' half of it!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_I can call you anything I want, grimy foul-mouthed mechanic idiot._

**BestPilotEver**

_Eat dirt, bitch!_

**VValentine**

_Suddenly I'm starting to regret signing on again._

**Hojo**

_You will do, demon. Mwheheheheh!_

**CloudStrife**

_Okay, Who votes to block this guy?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Hell yes, count me in!_

**Tif99**

_You got my vote._

**KleptoNinja07**

_And mine!_

**Masamune701**

_I'm in for that._

**VValentine**

_My vote counts as two._

**CloudStrife**

_Okay, that's sorted. Bye-bye, Professor Bug-Spray._

**Hojo**

_YOU SHALL ALL REGRET TH-_

_User "Hojo" is no longer on your Allow List. –_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_WOOHOO! The asshole is GONE!_

**Masamune701**

_Thank Mother for THAT._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Do I sense antagonism?_

**BestPilotEver**

_Well-spotted, genius._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Why yes, I am!_

**SHBrother#1**

_I'm BORED. When is something exciting going to happen? _

**CloudStrife**

_When you grow up._

**SHBrother#1**

_I AM grown up, chocobo-head! You just wait until I tell Mother what you said!_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Calm down, kid._

**Yaz00**

_Yeah, Kadaj – if you break one more computer out of sheer anger, you'll be the one to pay for it._

_User "MaesterGuado902" has just signed in. –_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Now it's my turn to throw a tantrum. _

**MaesterGuado902**

_Please spare us, dearest. You sound like an incensed parrot when you do that._

**GunArm82**

_Yo there, Seymour. Haven't seen you on the boards for a while._

**MaesterGuado902**

_No, and I'll tell you why – SOMEONE hacked into my account and nearly killed off my hard drive. _

**SHBrother#1**

_Oh dear! What a shame! LOL…_

**VValentine**

_You know, the same thing happened to me last week._

**Tif99**

_No way!_

**SHBrother#1**

_LOL! How unfortunate, WHO could have done something like this? Heh heh heh _

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_There! Proof we got a serial hacker on the loose! And I ain't gonna mention any NAMES…_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_Kadaj, I swear – when I find your hacking program…_

**SHBrother#1**

_Hah, like a being with your intelligence-span would ever achieve THAT. _

**MaesterGuado902**

_That was a bit harsh._

**VValentine**

_Sibling rivalry, we call it._

**CloudStrife**

_Heck, that's Brotherly Love in their terms._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Mmm, yes, I remember that… _

**Tif99**

_Do you and Zidane fight often, then?_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Not often, no. But when we do I always win, so it's a little bit pointless really._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Hey! What happened to my profile?_

**SHBrother#1**

_HAHAHAHAHAHA!_

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Yes, another chapter for you, because I'm being nice. ;-)

So, unless you've read the other chapters, none of this will make an sense to you. (Not that it does anyway, but you know.)

Read on...

**

* * *

**

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Oh, this is just grand._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Woohooooo, Sephy! We didnt kno u had a thing for Cloud!_

**CloudStrife**

_Holy crap._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_I have now given myself permission to hunt down and kill my little brat of a clone._

**SHBrother#1**

_You can try! LMAO_

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Un-hack my profile RIGHT NOW._

**SHBrother#1**

_Umm… Nah._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Oh, the public humiliation! Cloud, I shall tell you this now: Do not take my username the wrong way. I thoroughly detest you, and the mere thought of us in a relationship makes me want to vomit._

**CloudStrife**

_Phew. Thanks, man. ;-)_

**Yaz00**

_You know, I hate to say it, but the stuff I come across on fan-sites tells the world otherwise._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_What is that supposed to mean?_

**CloudStrife**

_Oh no… Not the fan-sites…_

**Tif99**

'_Fraid so, hun. Perhaps you don't wanna know…_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Or maybe they do! I've seen the most horrific drawings…_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Yeah, I'm sorry to say I agree. It's like… Seph and Cloud…_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_In… Scary positions and stuff._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_My life is over._

**SHBrother#1**

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA_

**CloudStrife**

……

**VValentine**

_I don't know what you're laughing about, Kadaj._

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, me and Vince managed to get quite a collection of pictures involving you…_

**SHBrother#1**

_And who?_

**VValentine**

_Yazoo._

**KleptoNinja07**

_INCEST! INCEST!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Fuck._

**Yaz00**

_Sephiroth, can I join you in the afterlife over there?_

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Be my guest._

**MaesterGuado902**

_You should think yourself lucky you aren't Cid or Vincent._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_No WAY! You mean…_

**VValentine**

_Yes, I regret to say, it seems a multitude of fans have deemed it fitting that Cid and I should be in a homosexual relationship._

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, thanks for bringing THAT shit up again. Now I feel sick._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Well, it seems we are all victims in this perverse world of fandom…_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Yeah, cos now u can come across ANY pairing._

**SummonerGirlX**

_Not to mention the 'crossover' pairings._

**CloudStrife**

_Are you serious?_

**MaesterGuado902**

_Yes, now I remember… Yesterday I saw a very… interesting painting of Sephiroth and Kuja…_

**BestPilotEver**

_HAH! Deal with THAT, gay-boy!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Oh, shut up._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_What is it with these twisted fans?_

**GunArm82**

_Try asking the those Yuffentine supporters._

**CloudStrife**

…

**Tif99**

_Oh yeah! That was priceless. The "Vincent/Yuffie" pairing._

**Yaz00**

_Holy heck! LMAO_

**VValentine**

_Now I have lost every shred of self-esteem I even had a hope of achieving._

**MaesterGuado902**

_Oh dear. Why is that?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

'_Cause now, according to the fans, he's not only fond of guys - he's also a paedophile._

**VValentine**

_Thank you for pointing that out, Reno._

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

…_So, Yuffie, are you going to contribute to this discussion? Register your utmost shock and revulsion at this 'Yuffentine' atrocity?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Mmmm. Uh, wha?_

**Sephiroth4Cloud**

_Just as I thought._

**CloudStrife**

_I knew it! She DOES have a thing for Vincent!_

**VValentine**

_Oh good lord._

**KleptoNinja07**

_DO NOT!_

**Tif99**

_Awww, Yuffie! Why didn't you tell us:-D_

**KleptoNinja07**

_But I – I…_

**VValentine**

_Why me?_

**CloudStrife**

_Because girls like the 'tall, dark and handsome' look, Vince. ;-)_

**VValentine**

_I thought they liked 'small, blonde and annoying.'_

**CloudStrife**

_Hey!_

**Tif99**

_Nah, apparently they like 'tall, silver-haired and potentially murderous.'_

**Masamune701**

_Oooh! This is a good day for me – I restored my profile AND found out that my unusual yet highly evil persona happens to appeal to women! Woot!_

**BestPilotEver**

_Bastard._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_What's wrong with me? Girls like me._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

…_If you tend to go for 'lanky, orange-haired and constantly drunk.'_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Dickhead! What about YOUR fan-girls, eh? They must be drunk AND blind to like 'tall, sexless and pretty damn perverted.'_

**CloudStrife**

_Oooookay, I think that's enough fan-girl talk for now. I can see things getting out of hand here._

**MaesterGuado902**

_You know, I'm suddenly starting to feel like a twit for logging on._

**VValentine**

_That makes two of us._

_User "PinkCetra03" has just signed in –_

**Tif99**

_GIRL! OMG hun where have you been:-D_

**PinkCetra03**

_Re-generating the planet, Tif. Oh, has Cloud finally got an account?_

**CloudStrife**

_Aeris!_

**PinkCetra03**

_Hey, how's my sweetie?_

**CloudStrife**

_Wonderful now:-)_

**Masamune701**

_Oh, how adorable._

**BestPilotEver**

_Cut the mush, you two. So anyways, great to see ya back Aeris. How've you been?_

**PinkCetra03**

_Peachy, Cid. So… Weird discussion. Fan-sites, eh? You guys sure got a lot of spare time on your hands…_

**Tif99**

_We couldn't help it, Aeris! Some of those pics were just so hilarious!_

**PinkCetra03**

_And disturbing, by the sounds of it._

**Tif99**

_Well… Yeah. I suppose. ;-)_

**PinkCetra03**

_Well, I'm just really glad to have found you all here! I'm SO pleased I signed on!_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Heyheyhey, you guys won't believe what I found! It's a really dirty fan-picture of Aeris and Sephiroth! CLASSIC!_

**PinkCetra03**

…_Yeah. Just… so pleased._

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

A/N - Apologies for the delay - here is the latest from the chaotic FF chatroom.

Oh and I don't own Final Fantasy. Duh.

* * *

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Can we try and forget about any potentially terrifying fan-pictures now? I'm beginning to worry that some of you actually take an interest in them._

**MaesterGuado902**

_I second that._

**BestPilotEver**

_Yeah, let's stop before I throw up on Vince!_

**VValentine**

_Do so at the impending cost of your limbs._

**BestPilotEver**

_Shutting up._

**CloudStrife**

_Uh, yah… Anyway. Does anyone have any news worth reporting?_

**SummonerGirlX**

………

**Masamune701**

………

**GunArm82**

………

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_I accidentally swallowed a bug last night._

**Tif99**

_...Ew._

**BestPilotEver**

_Shit. Now I really am gonna barf._

**VValentine**

_BATHROOM, please._

**CloudStrife**

_I meant news worth reporting._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_I think I've just been spammed._

**Yaz00**

_Huh?_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_My inbox is over-flowing with copies of the same email._

**Tif99**

_Who are the emails from?_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Some person named "LeonHart062."_

**PinkCetra03**

_Oh no. He's back again._

**CloudStrife**

_Who?_

**Masamune701**

_The most notorious spammer ever to log onto FF Messenger… Squall._

**Tif99**

_Crap! He sent me about 50 emails last night saying the same thing._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_And what was that? _

**Tif99**

"_Nice jugs."_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Pleasant man._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_LMFAO_

**Tif99**

_That was NOT funny._

_User "BlondeAndDangerous78" has just signed on. –_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Ooooh hey Elena, where's Tseng, huh? Still asleep? Hehe_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_I don't know what you're talking about._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Hah! Don't be so naïve, woman! LOL_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Reno, if you've told ANYONE…_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Oooh! We got some gossip here?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_You have no idea. _

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_RENO…_

**Tif99**

_Girl, am I right to assume that you did what I think you did?_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Uh… I –_

**KleptoNinja07**

_OMFG! ELENA AND TSENG! WOOHOOOOOO_

**PinkCetra03**

_You kept that pretty quiet, sweetie!_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Wahey! Go Elena!_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

…_I hate you, Reno._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Just doin' my job, honey. ;-)_

**CloudStrife**

_Awwww, Luuurve is in the air…_

**GunArm82**

…_For the people over there…_

**Masamune701**

_Cute. Now I can poke ceaseless fun at Tseng. Congratulations, Turk! ;-)_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Why. Me._

_- User "Shady33" has just signed in - _

**Shady33**

_Reno, that was slightly tactless._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Rude, ma man! Well how the heck are ya?_

**Shady33**

_I don't think Elena wanted that news repeated._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Aw, come on, yo! She'll have to deal with it. That news was just too outrageous to keep quiet. ;-)_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Oh, I can deal with it, but it'll involve castrating you if you don't shut your big trap._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Ack! Okay, you won!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Lovely. Now is anyone else getting about five dozen emails saying "You are a closet woman"?_

**Yaz00**

_Yep._

**Shady33**

_Mmm-hmm._

**VValentine**

_Yes._

**GunArm82**

_Me too._

**Masamune701**

_Yes. And I think I know the culprit._

**MaesterGuado902**

_Oh hell. My inbox is being flooded._

**SHBrother#1**

_So is mine! Oh, the horror!_

_User "Kinneas52" has just signed in. –_

**Kinneas52**

_Hey, thought I might warn ya – Squall's gonna sign in soon._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Oh, fantastic._

**CloudStrife**

_Who's this who just signed on?_

**Kinneas52**

_Irvine._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Yo there, man!_

**Kinneas52**

_Heyho._

**Tif99**

_Something up, Irvine?_

**Kinneas52**

_Nah, I'm good. Just got a bit of a hangover. Again._

**BestPilotEver**

_Join the club. _

**Kinneas52**

_Oh yeah, and You-Know-Who's been spamming me since last week._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Wahey._

_- User "LeonHart062" has just signed on. -_

**MaesterGuado902**

_Brace yourselves._

**LeonHart062**

_Hah, newbies!_

**CloudStrife**

_Don't even think about it, Squall._

**LeonHart062**

_Too late. ;-)_

* * *

It was then – just as Cloud's email inbox popped in front of the screen and began to fill up at an alarming rate with emails entitled "Greetings, Bitch of Sephiroth" – that he let out a violent swearword.

* * *

**CloudStrife**

_Real diplomatic, man._

**LeonHart062**

_You're welcome! Would you like some more?_

**CloudStrife**

_Do that and I'll spam you back. And I don't care how much it buggers up your PC._

**LeonHart062**

_You can try. Of course, it's a little pointless, seeing as the anti-spam software I installed tends to stop my victims from getting their own back. ;-)_

**CloudStrife**

_Bastard._

**Masamune701**

_Right, I've had just about all the "Go date Kuja" emails that I can take. I am now going to be the most considerate I have ever been and probably ever will be: - I'm posting an anti-spam software program onto the board so everyone can download it._

**LeonHart062**

_$!Huh?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_YAY! I knew ya had it in u, Sephy!_

**PinkCetra03**

_Murderer or not - you rock!_

**Masamune701**

_Why yes, I do. ;-)_

_- User "Masamune701" has posted a public file, "**Eat Dirt Squall, this is AntiSpam**". Please click to download._

**MaesterGuado902**

_Excellent!_

**LeonHart062**

_WTF?_

**Kinneas52**

_Sorry man, but you're screwed. ;-)_

**LeonHart062**

_Traitor!_

**Kinneas52**

_I'll make it up to ya later. How's about drinks on me?_

**LeonHart062**

_What, and then get completely smashed?_

**Kinneas52**

_Yep._

**LeonHart062**

_Oh joy._

**CloudStrife**

_You know, Seph, I have a lot of respect for you all of a sudden._

**Masamune701**

_Good for you. Just don't start pleasing the fans and falling in love with me._

**CloudStrife**

_Hehe… ;-)_

**Masamune701**

_O.O_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Okay, that's just plain wrong._

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_You shouldn't be prejudiced about people's sexuality, Reno. If Cloud likes Sephiroth, then fair enough - that's nothing he should be made to feel ashamed of… Is it, Cloud, honey?_

**CloudStrife**

_Uh…_

**Masamune701**

_Mother help me._

* * *


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Apologies for the delay in chapters - currently I'm doing my exams and - regrettably - I have to take priorities into hand.

But anyway, here is yet another chapter of FF chatroom mayhem. Beware of very small doses of language and... well, grown-ups being grown-ups. ;-)

And thank you to EVERYONE who gives me such wonderful reviews! You brighten up my day and encourage me to write more! Hugs everyone

**P.S: Some people find it fitting to read this story from later chapters and skip the first ones. That's all very well, but It is useless if you read later chapters before reading from the beginning! Completely useless! Because it is just one HUGE messaging session and not broken up, You will not follow anything unless you read the beginning! So, if you're a first-time reader of this story and you've skipped chapters, please don't expect the effect to be nearly as good!**

Thank you. I'll shut up and let you read now. ;-)

**

* * *

**

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_AAAH! Big brother is in love with… uh… Bigger brother!_

**CloudStrife**

_For crying out loud, Loz, I am NOT your brother!_

**Yaz00**

_But you're in the same genetic category._

**CloudStrife**

_I don't CARE._

**Masamune701**

_I have to say, I don't feel very pleasant._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_No offence, yo, but you ain't never exactly been that pleasant anyways._

**Masamune701**

_Thank you, Turk._

**Kinneas52**

_Y'know, I can't decide what's more amusing: Squall getting pwned or Cloud's little "confession." ;-)_

**Masamune701**

_Oh for the planet's sake…_

**CloudStrife**

_I'll "pwn" YOU if you don't shut your trap, Irv._

**Kinneas52**

_I bet._

**SHBrother#1**

_Now, now, Strife. Don't go all PMS on us. LOL_

**CloudStrife**

_Bitch!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_How intellectual. _

**VValentine**

_Kadaj, you're not helping matters._

**SHBrother#1**

_It's not my fault Captain Chocobo has a temper! _

**CloudStrife**

_Temper eh? Makes you a bit of a hypocrite, doesn't it, Princess?_

**SHBrother#1**

_Worm!_

**CloudStrife**

_Pansy!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Queer!_

**CloudStrife**

_Drip!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Fag!_

**CloudStrife**

_Cucumber!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Huh?_

**CloudStrife**

_Hah! Got you there, didn't I? _

**PinkCetra03**

_Well isn't this delightful…_

**Yaz00**

_I won't bother speculating on why you found the need to call my brother a cucumber._

**CloudStrife**

_Good, your hair might fall out if you do._

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_Leave Yazoo alone, meanie!_

**Masamune701**

_Why is the world being so cruel to me today?_

**Tif99**

_Ask Hojo._

**VValentine**

_Can someone explain why I've just had a pink brassiere thrown through my window?_

**Tif99**

_Ask Yuffie._

**KleptoNinja07**

_HEY! I did NOT throw my bra through Vincent's window!_

**CloudStrife**

_No, I bet you didn't. ;-)_

**VValentine**

_I should never have asked._

**BestPilotEver**

_That may just be going too far. Hey, is Rude the only sane one over here?_

**Shady33**

_Probably. But only the insane ones self-proclaim their sanity._

**MaesterGuado902**

_That's a good point! I didn't know you were so theoretical, Rude. You into philosophy, then?_

**Shady33**

_It's a hobby._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Wow, Rude. You're like me! _

**CloudStrife**

_Reno? Philosophy? oO_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_I ain't as ditzy as you think I am, yo. I question life all the time. Like: why do most of us dudes all have pointy noses and flawless effeminate faces?_

**Masamune701**

_Actually, that's another good point._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_I never really stopped to consider that one._

**VValentine**

_Apparently there's a collective name for us in the fan-girl world. I don't remember what it is, but it's probably something decidedly cute-and-fluffy._

**Kinneas52**

_Maybe we should look it up on the net._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Yeah, we could find out why Yazoo looks like a chick!_

**Yaz00**

_Oh, thanks._

**Tif99**

_Here's another one: Why are most of us girls naturally bestowed with such big chests? _

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Probably because there are so many dudes with pointy noses and flawless effeminate faces around. ;-)_

**Tif99**

_Sexist! I think I'll ask Vincent, seeing as he's the smartest one out of all of you. So Vincent, why do we have huge chests?_

**VValentine**

_Uh…_

**PinkCetra03**

_You must know. ;-) _

**VValentine**

_I really don't think I am the person to answer a question about women's bodily features…_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Aw, come on, you seem to know everything else! ;-)_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Yeah, I've been wondering this for ages!_

**VValentine**

_I –_

**GunArm82**

_Man, give the poor guy a break…_

**BestPilotEver**

_Fuck, this is classic. I'll never let you live that down, Vince._

**VValentine**

_Somehow I had a suspicion that you wouldn't. Thank you, Cid._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Is it really worth questioning why all these women are so interested in their breasts?_

**Tif99**

_Uh... O.O_

**PinkCetra03**

_...O.O_

**SummonerGirlX**

_...O.O_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_...O.O_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Thought as much._

**MaesterGuado902**

_I'm gradually becoming more and more unsettled by these conversations._

**SHBrother#1**

_I'm scared!_

**CloudStrife**

_Well, when you grow up and get some testosterone you'll begin to understand these things._

**SHBrother#1**

_You want me to shove that ever-compensating sword where the sun don't shine?_

**CloudStrife**

_You can try, girl-features._

**Yaz00**

_You're going way too far this time, Strife. One day I'll find out were you live, and –_

**CloudStrife**

_Unleash the wrath of your hair straighteners on me?_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_Shut up!_

**CloudStrife**

_You shut up!_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_No, YOU shut up! _

**Masamune701**

_I curse the day Professor Hojo decided to clone me._

**VValentine**

_You'll be surprised how many of us probably agree with you._

* * *

So, shall I carry on? For how much longer? It's starting to thin out, and there's only so far you can take this thing! Please tell me, people! xxxx


	6. Chapter 6

Here we are with yet another chapter of demented FF instant-messaging!

This chapter is a little shorter than the rest I think, but I'm running out of ideas...

Once again thank you to EVERYONE who's given me such fantastic reviews, feedback and even some cool ideas! In this chapter I've included a couple of tips I was given. Whoever gave me these tips, you'll probably be able to tell where it's been put to use... So thank you in advance! _You know who you are!_ ;-) xxxx

Someone also had the great idea of making this thing seven chapters long, seeing as it's FF-7, and also because I can only go on so long with this. So one more chapter after this one, and perhaps even a little 'epilogue' afterwards, just because you're all so good to me. :-)

Happy reading!

**

* * *

**

**Tif99**

…_I still wanna know why our chests look like they do._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Oh joy._

**PinkCetra03**

_Maybe it's just the way we are, hun._

**KleptoNinja07**

_Okay, so who's still in their pyjamas right now?_

**CloudStrife**

_o.O_

**Yaz00**

_O.O_

**GunArm82**

_o.O… O.O_

**Shady33**

…

**KleptoNinja07**

_Well?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_I am! ;-) But I know someone who's probably OUT of their pyjamas right now… Hehe_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Who?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

…_Tseng. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Elena? x-D_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_RENO!_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Sorry, babe. Had to be said. ;-)_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_NEUUUUURRRGH…_

**PinkCetra03**

_Aw Reno, leave her alone._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Yeah, you're right, Aeris. After all, Elena's had a pretty "rough night." … x-D_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Fuck. You._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Whoah there, 'Lena. If you did that, I know someone who wouldn't be very happy. ;-)_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_FINE! I admit it! I SLEPT with my BOSS last NIGHT. Satisfied?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_O.O_

**Shady33**

_O.O !_

**CloudStrife**

_o.O_

**Tif99**

…_O.O !_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Elena: 1. _

_Reno: 0._

_Suck on THAT, carrot top._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

…_Slapper._

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_OMGWTF –_

**CloudStrife**

_Hooookay, I think we've exhausted this little scandal._

**MaesterGuado902**

_Yes, let's change the subject. Does anyone have anything to say that doesn't come brimming with sexual innuendos?_

**Kinneas52**

_Yeah, I do! Okay folks; I just searched the net, and you know that "collective name" for us guys that Vince mentioned?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Aw, you mean the name for the dudes who have pointy noses and flawless effeminate faces?_

**Kinneas52**

_Yah. Apparently we're called "bishies." o.O_

**VValentine**

_I knew it would be something cute-and-fluffy, but this is just ridiculous._

**CloudSrife**

_Aw, man…_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Haha! Reno is a bishie, Reno is a bishie…_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Put a sock in it, Kisaragi._

**Masamune701**

_Oh, today just is NOT my day! _

**KujaTheSuperior**

_Why must we forever carry the name of "bishie"? Why can't it be something less brainless and EVEN LESS fangirl-induced?_

**PinkCetra03**

_I'm afraid this is gonna stick, boys._

**SummonerGirlX**

_Yep, we'll never let you live this down. ;-)_

**Yaz00**

_NOOOOOOOO!_

**CloudStrife**

_That'll just make our day, girls. _

**Tif99**

_x-D!_

**Kinneas52**

_Wait - holy heck, this is priceless! It says, "Sephiroth, for one, may be described as the Ultimate Bishie… Because he is so sexy."…. _

**GunArm82**

…_Ouch. HAHAHA_

**SHBrother#1**

_ROFLMFAO!_

**Masamune701**

_I think I'm going to bury my head in a Mako reactor._

**BestPilotEver**

_Wow… Y'know, for once in my life, Seph, I pity you!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Oh, but you should be flattered by this title. Hehe…_

**Masamune701**

_WHY?_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Because now EVERYBODY will have the utmost respect for "The Ultimate Bishie"…_

**Kinneas52**

… _And you'll have thousands of women after you…_

**Masamune701**

_But –_

**Tif99**

…_And you'll be so popular…_

**Masamune701**

_But I don't WANT –_

**MaesterGuado902**

…_And there's always that small possibility that you'll have various undergarments thrown at you from all directions…_

**Masamune701**

_I want to cry…_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

…_You'll get so many gorgeous people trying to grope your ass as you walk by…_

**Masamune701**

_Then I'll hack their heads off! Oh, why ME? Just the thought of all this hurts my head!_

**SHBrother#1**

_Aww, diddums. Don't worry – Cloudy-boy will always be there to kiss away the pain… x-D_

**CloudStrife**

_Shut your trap, tit!_

**Masamune701**

_I don't remember my poor soul ever being tortured so much in one single morning…_

**BestPilotEver**

_Careful there. You're angsting so much that you're starting to take after Vince. ;-)_

**VValentine**

_You'll be angsting for the next fortnight if you don't choose your words more wisely, Highwind._

**BestPilotEver**

_Shutting up again._

**Masamune701**

_I think I need to sit in a corner and mope for a while. I'll be back later._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Aw, okay. Need to take Cloud with ya for a lil'… "comfort"? x-D_

**Masamune701**

_I'd sooner offer myself up to another one of Hojo's experiments. Farewell, inferiors._

_- User "Masamune701" has just signed off. –_

**KleptoNinja07**

… _O.O… Ouch, Cloud. _

**SHBrother#1**

_REEE-JECTION! x-D_

**CloudStrife**

_Quiet, you._

* * *

Well, it's over to you now! Feedback? Ideas for my last coming chapter?

xxxx


	7. Chapter 7

Hey there everyone! Sorry for the long delay - I've been getting prompts from countless people telling me to update, so here it is at last: The final chapter of this demented FF chatroom... thing. You guys wanted a long chapter, so here it is - the longest of them all.

I'll nowsay a huge thank you to _everyone_ who reviewed, and all those who put forward some brilliant suggestions. And thebest ones arein there! I can't name every single person whose ideas have been included here, but you know who you are! ;-)

In this chapter, look out for several character comebacks and cameos. Alas, you never know who might just... pop in for a visit. (Evil laugh)

Enjoy!

xxx

**

* * *

**

**Kinneas52**

_Aw, don't worry, Spikey. Sephiroth'll come back around._

**Yaz00**

…_Eventually. I can see him sitting on next door's roof at the moment, and he doesn't look like he's in a very good way._

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_I can try and go get him to come back if ya want._

**CloudStrife**

_Guys, I appreciate your disturbingly sudden concern for me, but… why do you still think I'm in love with him?_

**SHBrother#1**

_Because you two – according to the fangirls – are just MEANT to be together. ;-)_

**CloudStrife**

_OH FOR FU-_

_- User "Zidane4Eva" has just signed in. -_

**Zidane4Eva**

_Wahey, it's ME!_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Oh, bugger it._

**Zidane4Eva**

_Bro! Long time no see! Still wearing the scary thong?_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Still polluting the planet with your increasingly irritating presence?_

**Zidane4Eva**

_o.O_

**KujaTheSuperior**

_Quite._

**Tif99**

_Hey there, Zidane! How's things where you are?_

**Zidane4Eva**

_Stuff's cool right here, Tif. So… Um… Nice conversation. Does Cloud really have a crush on –_

**CloudStrife**

_NO._

**Zidane4Eva**

…_Righty-ho then._

_- User "ZellRocks" has just signed in. -_

_- User "Seifer66" has just signed in. -_

**ZellRocks**

_Okay, who sent me that email saying "You look like a homosexual chocobo"?_

**Seifer66**

_Probably the same person who sent me the one entitled "You are a closet woman."_

**VValentine**

_We won't bother telling you how many more of us received that same email._

**GunArm82**

_Hey there, guys. Looks like you been hit by Squall's spam-mail._

**Seifer66**

_It figures. Oh, and would you look at that! Puberty boy is still online!_

**LeonHart062**

_I wish you weren't._

**ZellRocks**

_How could you call me that, man? You never used to make fun of my hair!_

**LeonHart062**

_Call you what? I never even emailed you, Zell!_

**ZellRocks**

…_Then who the hell was it?_

**SHBrother#1**

_Hee hee hee…_

**ZellRocks**

_Oh. I. would. Never. Have. Guessed. _

**Seifer66**

_You mean it was the brat clone?_

**SHBrother#1**

_Hey!_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Yo, Zell. You and Seifer missed that anti-spam software Sephiroth put on the board. If ya scroll up you can download it. ;-)_

**ZellRocks**

_WOOHOO! Thanks! _

**Seifer66**

"_Eat Dirt Squall, this is AntiSpam." Hah! Priceless! Try spamming us NOW, fool!_

**LeonHart062**

_I hate you._

**Seifer66**

_Glad you feel that way. Now piss off._

**LeonHart062**

_O.O_

**Yaz00**

_I thought I might tell you; Sephiroth is now being chased across the roof by a hoard of rabid –_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Fan-girls?_

**Yaz00**

_That's the one._

**SHBrother#1**

_My, my, Cloud. Isn't it just your day today? x-D_

**CloudStrife**

_Isn't it just time you shut the hell up?_

**SHBrother#1**

_How creative. Honestly, you should try to be more like me, Cloud._

**CloudStrife**

_HAH! You honestly think I could shove my head that far up my ass?_

**SHBrother#1**

_O.O_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Whoah, Kadaj. Major pwnage. x-D_

**SHBrother#1**

_Shut it, Reno._

- _User "BlitzBallHero22" has just signed in.-_

**SummonerGirlX**

_Tidus! About time you got your ass outta bed!_

**BlitzBallHero22**

_Gimme a break, sweetie. Last night wore me out just a b-_

**SummonerGirlX**

_A-HEM._

**BlitzBallHero22**

_Oh… Right. Oops. ;-)_

**LeonHart062**

_O.O_

**Tif99**

_O.O_

**ZellRocks**

_o.O_

**CloudStrife**

_I'm not even gonna ask._

_- User "Hojo" has just signed in. -_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Oh, no WAY._

**CloudStrife**

_This just isn't possible!_

**VValentine**

_For once in about thirty years, I think I am on the verge of cursing. However, I may just be able to hold it back._

**Hojo**

_I have returned. Heh heh heh heh heh!_

**VValentine**

_Shit._

**GunArm82**

'_The hell YOU doin' back here?_

**Hojo**

_Foolish children! You forget that I am a scientist. I simply hacked into your accounts and unblocked myself. MWAHAHAHAHA!_

**Tif99**

_Oh put a plug in it, Professor Insecticide._

**BlitzBallHero22**

_Aw man, I sign on and THIS guy comes back? _

**Hojo**

_Quiet, boy. Now, how is my number 1 victim? Still looking like a corpse, Valentine? Heh heh…_

**KleptoNinja07**

_You ASSHOLE! Leave Vincent alone!_

**CloudStrife**

_I swear he looks far less like a corpse than YOU do, Hojo._

**PinkCetra03**

_And he smells far less like bug spray!_

**Hojo**

_I'm sure. But in the end, he's still a demonic experiment reject. _

_- User "KleptoNinja07" has just signed off. -_

**Tif99**

_Now you've done it, Hojo. _

**CloudStrife**

_What happened to Yuffie?_

**Tif99**

_I've just seen her run past my bedroom door in tears._

**SummonerGirlX**

_Poor baby! Someone go and comfort her!_

**Tif99**

_I'm on my way!_

**PinkCetra03**

_Me too!_

_- User "Tif99" has just signed off. -_

_- User "PinkCetra03" has just signed off. -_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_This means war, Hojo._

**Hojo**

_Really now… I laugh at your idiotic youth. So what're you going to do, Turks? Smack me with your handbags?_

_- User "TurkLeader01" has just signed in. -_

**TurkLeader01**

_Detain you; that's what we'll do._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Boss! x-D So how was last –_

**TurkLeader01**

_I'm afraid I shall have to detain you as well if you don't hold your tongue, Reno._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Sorry._

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Hojo won't shut up about Vincent. Can you do anything about it, Tseng?_

**TurkLeader01**

_I can't personally. But I can refer Professor Hojo to the President._

**Hojo**

_What, the silly blonde boy? Hahaha!_

**TurkLeader01**

_That 'silly blonde boy' has the authority to impale you on a piece of your machinery if he so desires, Professor._

**Hojo**

_I suppose. But he won't succeed! Nothing may defeat ME! HAHAHAHA_

_- User "Masamune701" has just signed in. -_

**Masamune701**

_Want a bet?_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Excellent! Yo Seph, can you sort out old Spider-features here?_

**Masamune701**

_I daresay I have formulated a plan already, Reno._

**Kinneas52**

_WOOT! Tell us!_

**Masamune701**

_I'm afraid I cannot divulge too much, but let's just say I am armed with a crate of manipulation materia and a rather large multitude of psychotic young women._

**CloudStrife**

_Oh, this'll be good. ;-)_

**Hojo**

_Oh, hello Sephiroth. Do stay awhile - I've got plenty more insults up my sleeve._

**Masamune701**

_Believe me, they won't be worth half a Gil after what I'm about to inflict upon you. Let me just go and… Prepare the army. ;-)_

_- User "Masamune701" has set his/her status to **Busy**. -_

**MaesterGuado902**

_What's he up to, I wonder?_

**Hojo**

_Nothing capable of defeating me, I'm sure. Alright there, Valentine? Need any more discord? Or are you happy just to sit and let that demon consume your pathetic being?_

**VValentine**

_No, but I plan to let it consume yours one day._

**GunArm82**

_x-D_

**VValentine**

…_That is, unless his little 'flea problem' doesn't consume him first._

**Hojo**

_Wha-_

**SummonerGirlX**

_EEEW! Hojo has FLEAS?_

**Hojo**

_Now see here -_

**CloudStrife**

_GROSS! _

**Hojo**

_You – you – _

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Shit, man. That is just WRONG._

**Hojo**

_VALENTINE!_

**VValentine**

_Oh, give it a rest. You might end up infuriating those microscopic little 'friends' of yours._

**Hojo**

_WHY YOU-_

**BestPilotEver**

_One point to VINCE!_

_- User "Masamune701" has set his/her status to **Online**. - _

**Masamune701**

_Right, the Anti-Hojo army is mobilized. Vincent, care to accompany us?_

**VValentine**

_With pleasure._

_- User "Masamune701" has just signed off. -_

_- User "VValentine" has just signed off. -_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

…_Whoah._

**BlitzBallHero22**

_Okay, what just happened?_

**CloudStrife**

_Something tells me Dr. Flea-bag is in for some major pwnage._

**Hojo**

_Now just you wait – Hey, what's… OH DEAR LORD! NOT THE FAN-GIRLS! AAAAAAA-_

_- User "Hojo" has had his/her account disabled. - _

**Yaz00**

_O.O_

**Seifer66**

…_Could it be?_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

…_I think it could._

_- User "Reeve-WRO" has just signed in. -_

_- User "PresidentShinra" has just signed in. -_

**Reeve-WRO**

_Okay, does anyone know why Professor Hojo is being chased down the street by a horde of young women?_

**PresidentShinra**

_You guys have to SEE this!_

**CloudStrife**

_Oh, YES. I wanna get a picture._

**TurkLeader01**

_Yes, I can see Vincent and Sephiroth behind them. It looks like they've used manipulation materia to make their fan-girls pursue Hojo instead._

**Zidane4Eva**

_Well, there's no other way a group of hormonally-charged young women would chase after a flea-ridden pervert like Hojo._

**KujaTheSuperior45**

_Brother, that is the smartest thing you've said to date._

**Zidane4Eva**

_Smart but true. I mean, come on. Think about it. Any fangirl would be blind AND stupid to go after him without some kind of magical encouragement. Besides, it'd make much more sense if they went after ME! ;-P_

**KujaTheSuperior45**

…_I knew your would-be intelligence was too good to be true._

_Users "PinkCetra03"; "Tif99"; "KleptoNinja07" have just signed in. –_

**CloudStrife**

_Hey, girls. Is Yuffie okay now?_

**Tif99**

_She's good now, aren't ya, hun?_

**KleptoNinja**

_Even better now I just saw what happened to that creep Hojo! Oh praise this day!_

**ZellRocks**

_Yeah, I just sat back and watched. Vince and Seph totally pwned the guy. ;-) _

**PresidentShinra**

_Actually, I'm pretty glad to get rid of him._

**Reeve-WRO**

_You're not the only one, Sir._

_- User "KleptoThief06" has just signed in. -_

**KleptoThief06**

_Hey there everybody! Right Yuffie, Operation Bubbles is active. Everything set up at your base?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Sure is, Rikku. _

**KleptoThief06**

_Cool, just checking. Meet up in five?_

**KleptoNinja07**

_Will do. See ya on the flipside, girl. ;-)_

**KleptoThief06**

_Yep. Later! ;-P _

_- User "KleptoThief06" has just signed off. -_

_- User "KleptoNinja07" has just signed off. -_

**CloudStrife**

…_O.o_

**PresidentShinra**

_O.O_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

… _Uh, WTF?_

**Yaz00**

_That was… interesting…_

**SummonerGirlX**

…_Oh. No, no, no!_

**Kinneas52**

_What, what, what?_

**SummonerGirlX**

_I knew it! Oh gosh, I thought Rikku was just joking…_

**CloudStrife**

_What're you talking about?_

**Reeve-WRO**

…_Should we be worried about this?_

**PinkCetra03**

_Not really, unless you're offended by teenage pranks. _

**Seifer66**

…_So what is it?_

**Tif99**

_Yuffie and Rikku are plotting to take over the world._

**SummonerGirlX**

_In other words, to cover everyone's houses in shaving foam and to empty those little Beanie-Baby things over people's heads! _

**PinkCetra03**

_Oh, and steal everyone's materia!_

**CloudStrife**

…_Well then I guess we'll be fine and dandy._

_- User "-Auron-" has just signed on. –_

**-Auron-**

_I demand to know why my sitting room is full of polystyrene!_

**MaesterGuado902**

_Probably the same reason my kitchen has been sprayed with about fifty bottles of ladies' perfume._

**SHBrother#1**

_LMAO! Unlucky, Seymour!_

**Tif99**

_Looks like the girls are already a good way into 'Operation Bubbles'. ;-) _

**Kinneas52**

_Why's it called that anyway?_

_- User "WaKkA" has just signed in. -_

**WaKkA**

_HELP! SOMEONE EMPTIED EVERY BATH PRODUCT IN THE VILLAGE INTO THE SEA! WE CANNOT ESCAPE THE BUBBLYNESS!_

**BestPilotEver**

_That'll be why, Irv._

**Kinneas52**

_Ah, right. ;-)_

_- User "Masamune701" has just signed in. -_

**LozIsNotADumbAss**

_Yo bro, I thought you were out there kicking Hojo's ass._

**Masamune701**

_I was, but I decided to leave Vincent in charge for now. I think he was very grateful._

**Tif99**

_I bet he was. Oh look, I can see him now! There he is, standing on top of that building… Laughing uncontrollably… Brandishing his spiky arm with malice…_

**PinkCetra03**

_Bless him… He looks so happy!_

**Masamune701**

_Oh yeah, I just downloaded this weird tune off some site._

**Reeve-WRO**

_What's it called?_

**Masamune701**

_Says here it's called "One-Winged Angel." Hang on, I'll have a listen…_

**Zidane4Eva**

_What's it like?_

**Masamune701**

_o.O…The beginning sounds like something out of a bad horror movie._

**WaKkA**

_Wait a moment, man – I think I know that song…_

**MaesterGuado902**

_I know it. It's -_

**Masamune701**

_These lyrics are interesting… Wait, what the hell is my NAME doing in there?_

**GunArm82**

_Dude, you just found your theme tune._

**Masamune701**

_Theme tune? But WHY? You mean THIS plays every time I appear? Oh hell, I'll never be able to listen to it again._

**BlitzBallHero22**

_Just be glad you ain't got some pussy crap for a theme tune, like I have. Why couldn't mine be something cool, like a rock song?_

**BlondeAndDangerous78**

_Hey, at least yours has some kind of background, Tidus. Ours is just one continual beat…_

**Shady33**

…_And a melody that consists of about three different notes…_

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

…_Not to mention a notable fucking tendency to loop over… and over… and over…_

**TurkLeader01**

_Yes, it does get slightly irritating. I wish our theme had a bit more diversity._

**MaesterGuado902**

_At least yours doesn't make you sound like a flowery nance with a history of insanity._

**SHBrother#1**

_Maybe that's cos-_

**MaesterGuado902**

_- And if you choose to follow up that statement, Kadaj, I shall be forced to e-mail you a virus._

**SHBrother#1**

…_Okay. _

**CloudStrife**

_Well, I think I'll leave all you guys to discuss the day's events. I've been on too long now – I think I'll sign off for today._

**WorkSucksRenoRules**

_Aw, okay pal. Great talkin' to ya. ;-)_

**Kinneas52**

_Take care, Spike._

**PinkCetra03**

_Don't forget to visit the church, sweetie!_

**CloudStrife**

_Sure, Aeris._

**SHBrother#1**

_Don't forget to write, asshole!_

**CloudStrife**

_Sure, Kadaj._

_**- You have now signed off. All conversation windows will be closed. - **_

**__**

* * *

**__**

The end.

But alas, all is not yet lost! Just because you're all so kind to me, there will be an **epilogue** to come... You guys have all earned it!

Adios... For now. (Another evil laugh)

xxx


	8. Epilogue

At last.

I have finally come to the end of FF-Online. It has been long and fun-filled, but alas, the end must come sooner or later!

Before I start, I want to say a big slushy Oscar-award-inspired 'Thank you' to everyone who put in some fabulous suggestions, and to all those who reviewed and made this whole thing worthwhile writing. I've enjoyed every bit of it.

**Please note that in this Epilogue there are some "in-jokes", i.e. references to previous chapters and prologue that you will not find the slightest bit funny or even significant if you have not read this thing from the very start.** **You will kill the fun for yourself unless you've read at _least_ the first chapter.**

**You have been warned.**

So bye-bye for now, my friends, and enjoy! ;-)

**

* * *

**

**EPILOGUE**

For a moment, Cloud simply sat back in his chair and gazed nonchalantly at the computer screen. Trying his best to let the morning's events seep into his still-not-quite-awake mind, he slowly rose from his seat and shuffled lazily towards the kitchen. Perhaps he would make a coffee or something... Anything containing copious amounts of caffeine.

As Cloud entered the kitchen, his senses were rudely awakened by a strong waft of what had to be a particularly flowery type of perfume.

_Hmm_… he thought suspiciously. _Eau de KleptoNinja_.

Trying hard to breathe through his mouth to avoid the over-sweet stench of teenage girls, Cloud filled the coffee machine and turned it on. He paused. _Black today, I think._

He leant back on the counter, listening to Tifa humming melodiously to something crap on the radio. The sun looked very nice today…

"WE LOVE YOU, HOJO!"

All of a sudden, something ugly wearing a filthy lab-coat flew past the kitchen window uttering yells of terror. Cloud took a double take before seeing an enormous, raucous wave of hot pink and high-pitched commotion hurtling along in Hojo's wake, too fast for Cloud to make out. But he suspected – by the noise it was making – that it was a large army of materia-influenced fan girls.

They also seemed to be followed very swiftly behind by a sort of... mad red blur.

"Haha! Let's see you deal with THIS, flea magnet!"

Something gold was flung past the window.

"AAAARGH!"

Cloud sought to get a mug from the shelf, but was distracted by the commotion and opened the window instead.

Peering around at the foam-covered debris that was beginning to accumulate along with the increasing metres of pink toilet roll, Cloud soon recognised the tall, grinning, crimson-clad figure striding triumphantly along nearby.

"Hey Vincent!" Cloud called. "Over here!"

"Ah, good 'morrow to thee, Cloud!" Vincent bellowed, his eyes glinting with joy as he jogged over to Cloud's window.

This sure was a sight to behold. The formerly solemn statue of a man was now standing tall and proud; his cheeks flushed a mild yet extremely uncharacteristic tinge of red. Cloud took it into account that Vincent's barmy grin and perfect white teeth would be a priceless image that was never to be forgotten.

"I see you're enjoying yourself." Cloud said optimistically as Vincent leaned casually on the windowsill.

Vincent merely grinned wider.

"Erm…" Cloud glanced at the man's left arm. "Where's your scary brass claw thing?"

"Lodged in Hojo's right ass cheek." Vincent replied conversationally.

"Oh." Cloud feigned a cheery smile to cover his growing sense of wariness. "Well well… caught back by his own creation, huh? Heh heh…"

"Here's a bit of gossip for you…" Vincent leaned in next to Cloud's ear, but suddenly brandished something black, hairy and thoroughly hideous into the air in front of him.

Cloud yelped in horror and stumbled backwards. "WHAT IN THE HECK IS THAT?"

Vincent smirked darkly. "Incriminating evidence that Hojo went prematurely bald."

"Oh…" Cloud squeaked, clutching at his thudding heart and staring in horror at the revolting wig. "…Dear Lord."

"Well, I must be off." Vincent straightened up, starting to walk away. "Toodloo, lad – have a fabulous day. Dum-de-dum… DID I TELL YOU GIRLS TO STOP PUTTING MAKE-UP ON THE GREASY PERVERT? BRING OUT THAT LIPSTICK!"

Cloud stood inattentively next to the window, feeling inwardly rather miffed that none of this was caught on camera.

_I wonder where that thing's gone…_

**Splash.**

"ACK!"

Cloud pranced - swearing, soaking wet and very cold - around the kitchen.

**Flash.**

Cloud was nearly blinded by what had to be said camera.

He picked up the offending contraption from beside the microwave and looked at the photo it was producing. Arms in the air, mouth wide open, face screwed up in indignation… Pyjamas saturated...

Great. Another one for Tifa's Sick Demented Photo Album of Doom and Humiliation.

**Ding-dong.**

"Shit."

Cloud sought to answer the door and slid rather un-gracefully on the remains of the water balloon, his backside colliding painfully with the cheap lino floor.

"Ow… My butt…"

**Ding-dong.**

"I'm coming!" Cloud yelled, scrambling to his feet and running across the living room, attempting to dodge overturning bags of feathers hanging from the ceiling, as he went. But he was not so fortunate on one occasion, and soon found himself covered.

Spitting white fluffy plumage from out his mouth as he went, Cloud rushed to the door and wrenched it open.

"ARGH, CRAP!" he yelled as his view of the visitor was abruptly blocked by a cascade of tiny white polystyrene balls.

"Sucker!" giggled Yuffie, sprinting away holding at least five rather flat Beanie-Babies.

Pulling assorted debris and remnants of purple water balloon out of his hair, Cloud froze as he recognised the tall, leather-clad figure standing bewildered on the doorstep.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud mumbled, a feather flying out of his mouth.

The graceful silver-haired man continued staring in awkward perplexity at him. "Hmm… Bad time?"

"No, of course not…" Cloud mumbled, brushing himself off uneasily. "Why?"

Sephiroth scratched his head and glanced around. "Well, I was just wondering…"

"…Yeah?"

"Uh…" Sephiroth continued, "I just wondered… If you, well…"

"Go on…" Cloud prompted.

Sephiroth shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "If you… well, if you… you know, _meant_… what you said-"

"About me falling madly in love with you?"

"Something like that."

"Uh… Yeah, I did."

"…Oh. Well-"

"…I KNEW IT!" yelled someone manically from around the corner of the house, who on inspection was quite clearly Kadaj; his two brothers close at hand. Loz guffawed stupidly from behind Yazoo.

All three were sent screaming down the road as Cloud grabbed his buster sword out of nowhere and flung it rapidly in their direction.

"So…" Cloud said quietly. He then looked with sudden longing at Sephiroth's partly-bared chest and soft, flowing hair… _So smooth and silvery…_ "Uh, you were saying?"

"Well…" muttered Sephiroth. "I just wanted to make sure, because… You know, I love you too… sort of thing."

Cloud's eyebrows raised in surprise. "…Oh. I see."

There came a long, discomfited silence.

Cloud glanced at the doormat, then back up at his former nemesis. "…Coffee?"

"Yeah, okay."

And so, the two of them entered the soggy, feathery house; escaping the chaotic site of Operation Bubbles.

…It was then – just as the new couple discarded said coffee idea and moved romantically towards each other for what was seemingly to be a profoundly erotic Yaoi moment – that Cloud's computer exploded.

For a while he stared unblinkingly at the smoking, sooty wreckage of what used to be the new PC, then took Sephiroth's hand and headed calmly towards the nearest bedroom.

Tifa soon appeared at the doorway, gasping in horror at the sight of the explosion. "Good grief! What happened?"

"I fixed the blender." Cloud muttered, before shutting the bedroom door on the detonated living room.

**THE END**

* * *


End file.
